privy

1 a : private, withdrawn b : secret
2 : belonging or relating to a person in one's individual rather than official capacity
3 : admitted as one sharing in a secret

I used to pride myself on being a very independent person. Being quite private, withdrawn. I was never one of a pair of "inseparables." In fact, most of my closest relationships have become so because of their ability to subsist when contact was usually limited to weekly (at the most) or maybe monthly conversations. I didn't really ever think this might be bad. And the bad part isn't that these relationships are so infrequent, but that there is an incredible lack in relationships that are more common. More every day.

I didn't become aware of this until recently, because I have now glimpsed the blessings of having an everyday person. Someone who isn't just around for the highs and lows, but also for the mundane. I have had this before, too, and I know that it doesn't even have to be the deepest, most meaningful relationship, but just one that is dependable. One that feels like a place where you can be at rest, not only in what you do, but with who you are.

I have to admit, I am not good at pursuing friendships. I never have been. I want to be pursued by people, but I rarely am willing to do the pursuing...well at least when it comes to people I might really want to walk through life with. I know that it is coming from my insecurities, that I am worried that they don't like me as much as I like them, and that I hope they will be the brave one and assume that I want to be their friend rather than having to be brave myself, but how fair is that?

One of the moments that brought me to this realization lately was when I did something that frustrates me to no end when I catch others doing it. I was talking with a new friend - someone I really enjoyed being around, and we did that thing where you say - "We should really do something sometime..." and then we did the exchanging number thing, and I found myself warning her about how I probably really won't call her, because that's just the way I am, and it was no reflection on how I felt about her...and then I wanted to punch myself.

I hate when people justify stupid behavior by saying - "oh, that's just the way I am" - as in - "you just have to deal with my immature behavior because although I am aware that it is neurotic, I just don't care enough to make the effort to be better." Yuck. I am completely guilty.

And it just makes me so mad to realize this, since it is so contradictory to this idea I have of wanting to really be a part of a community that holds each other up and serves one another and that is always welcoming to new people. One that isn't secretive or private, but really shares in each other's lives. I guess if this is something I really want, then I have to be willing to go there myself first, rather than wait to be invited.