un·du·late

intransitive verb
1 : to form or move in waves : FLUCTUATE
2 : to rise and fall in volume, pitch, or cadence
3 : to present a wavy appearance

transitive verb
: to cause to move in a wavy, sinuous, or flowing manner

adjective
: having a wavy surface, edge, or markings

I am a little nervous. The last couple months have been saturated in undulating thoughts, feelings and convictions. It has been a conversion of sorts. Not a conversion in religious practices, but a conversion of how I see myself...how I allow myself to be. I cannot hold myself to the same standards, they are higher now in many respects. The complacency I had grown so accustomed to has changed to aggravation and restlessness, and I have felt the need to change old habits and practice new ones, such as discipline.

So, why am I nervous? I am going home. To a place in which old habits abound. And temporary as it might be, I am afraid I will find myself strange in this place, as I am no longer that person who was comfortable there...or that I will revert back to that person and forget all of my recent convictions.

There are so many good things to go home to. It isn't as though I do not want to be with family and the friends I have there; I love them more than I can say and am so looking forward to having some time to spend with them over the coming months. But I can't help but think there are many more undulating tasks ahead of me, and I am afraid that I will get stuck in another complacency...

There is a song by Sara Groves about the Israelites in their time in the desert; in their time of being in between, that I think really captures what I am feeling about this piece of time I have been in, and also how I feel about going back:

"I've been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacks.
The future feels so hard and
I want to go back,
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned,
And those roads were closed off to me
While my back was turned."

In case I end up having to eat my words in the near future, I just want to throw out one of the greatest draws to this place of comfort and familiarity: this miraculously new person, my nephew Garrett. I cannot even believe how much I can love someone I haven't even met yet! Isn't he amazing! I can't wait to teach him all kinds of tricks to play on his dad!