1 : liable to be brought to account
2 a : capable of submission
My eyes are being opened.
I have been hoping for a "divine appointment," a moment to feel pursued by God, to know that He is speaking to me.
I should have been careful of what I was wishing for.
I was talking to a friend last night, and we both shared moments recently that have awakened something in us, a need to answer a call. And it isn't as if, for either of us, this was a new thing we were being called to, but that these were things we had been drawn to, hoping for, for a long time. But there is a great fear in realizing that you are actually being called to something, being pursued to use what you have been given. The verse from Luke 12, here in the King James, has been attacking my mind: "For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required." It is a frightening reality to face: that not only do I have gifts, but I am also amenable to those gifts. It is a hard place to be in: to be both sure of my ability, and yet to be humble. To know that I must do what I am called, and know that even as I am called, I am not immune to failure. To know that even though I am young and inexperienced, I may have a voice, and I may need to use it. And that I might be rejected. But I still have to try.
So, just to be sure I got the message, God gave me that verse one more time - in black and white. Today I picked up the book I have been reading, Girl Meets God, by Lauren F. Winner. And what verse do you think she used in the very first paragraph I read? That's right. She talked about weeping after coming to terms with what was going to be required of her. I think I can understand how that might happen. I think I am learning what it means to fear God. I am afraid of what He will ask me to do.
2 comments:
You know, there's really no good reason to be afraid of what God may or may not be nagging you to do. Like the man said, 'Perfect love drives out all fear.'
That being said, it scares the crap out of me too anyway. Not only being called to something else, but being called FROM something, too. From places, habits, people, ways of being and thinking which have become comfortable and familiar yet also inhibiting and even damaging, to new and unknown and unfamiliar things. The unknown is scary. God is like my uncle's creepy dark basement.
I'm going to quote TS Eliot to you again: "In order to arrive at what you are not/ You must go by the way in which you are not."
I need a cigarette....
You are in a scary place. Because with as freakishly gifted as you are - you are amenable to a whole heck of a lot.
I love you. I just picked up Girl Meets God again too...we should be friends.
Mer
Post a Comment