har·ry:

transitive verb
1 : to make a pillaging or destructive raid on
2 : to force to move along by harassing
3 : to torment by or as if by constant attack

I have been feeling a bit this way. Just so we're clear, I have not been doing the harrying, well, not that I know of, but feeling a bit harried, perhaps. Ok, I wouldn't maybe go so far as to say I have been tormented, or imposed upon by a destructive raid...well, maybe I would. I am a bit of a romantic, after all.

Someone was just telling me about this idea of a "holy discontent:" that there is sometimes this feeling of anxiousness that you can't really explain, and you think that you are doing everything right and everything you are supposed to, yet things just feel a little off. And that maybe it is God stepping in and making you a little uncomfortable so that you will be forced to move in some way. To change some things, to adapt.

To be honest, I have been feeling overwhelmingly like this lately. I have been praying for God to change me, to make me content again with my situation, and not only content, but excited and even passionate, but He hasn't.

The realization that God has been causing these feelings to move me is very freeing. Well, I should say, I feel free now after going through the stages of feeling angry, hurt, abandoned and, of course, guilty. It is as though an incredible burden has been lifted. I feel I am being moved in a different direction, and although, or maybe because it is quite ambiguous at present, and isn't void of pain or tears, there is so much hope in it. And it has been an awfully long time since I have felt so much of it.

And...I think I just remembered how to exhale.

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
Hebrews 4:16