bunk

:nonsense

I am frustrated. Restless. I feel like I'm stuck. Which is ridiculous given the ways God has been pruning me with a vengeance lately. But, in some ways, it is because of all this pruning that I feel this way. Because of everything He's showing me, I am painfully aware of my inadequacy, my immaturity. I have felt incredibly juvenile lately. I'm sick of it. I want to be an adult already.

I realize that part of this has to do with certain comparisons I have made to my life lately: I stayed with a friend and her husband last night in their new house. Yes, that's right. I have friends who are mature enough to actually own a house. And they even have furniture to put in it! Unbelieveable. It's amazing how shocking it was to look at it all and wonder when, if ever, that might be me. Especially given my bank account balance at present. Yikes.

And then I get really frustrated with the fact that I am jealous. It's a whole lot of bunk really, my jealousy. Don't you like that phrase, though? I feel like it sounds very English...

I was talking with my very mature, married, home-owning friend about this thing our culture does to us: giving us points of "arrival" to shoot for. It seems no matter what situation we may find ourselves in, we are always looking toward what is next. But she talked about how now, after being married all of a few months, she is already thinking, hmm...I wonder how long we have to wait to have a baby...which is crazy to me, who looks at her life and thinks - what more could you want right now? She told me she really wishes she could have cherished the seasons of her life so far better. (And that she is trying to do that now, too). And all I can think in response is, of course. I know that I am supposed to cherish this time in my life. I know that someday I am supposed to look back and long to go back to this place, when everything was possible and I had nothing to lose...but how do you actually do that? Is it even possible? It doesn't feel possible right now.

Someone asked me a while ago if I thought I could be married to the same person forever. We were talking about how much I like change and tend to get restless when things get static. The truth is, I think anyone is going to come to a point in any relationship that they think, man, this is getting a little old. It's like the same thing everyday. I think it is inevitable. I just hope it comes in waves, and is countered by those moments when things are made fresh, new again even when you think you know everything and have experienced everything with each other.

I love watching this couple who are close friends of mine and have been married for about 50 years. You would think they just got back from their honeymoon the way they talk to each other. I wonder about all the things it took to get them there. I wonder if they learned how to be content during each step along the way. I wonder if they are still waiting for anything.