palinode \PAL-uh-nohd\

1 : an ode or song recanting or retracting something in an earlier poem
2 : a formal retraction

"Not that I agree with everything that I have said in this essay. There is much with which I entirely disagree." - Oscar Wilde

I love this word. Just the fact that it exists gives the freedom to say the wrong thing, not that you would ever want to say the wrong thing, but that sometimes you are afraid of saying something fearing that it might be wrong, so you never do. But it gives the option to put things out there, to process them, and to not necessarily have the right answers right away. (Granted, it is in reference to verse, not really conversation, but the idea is encouraging). And it is humble. I have always loved humility on other people. I am starting to love it on myself. Or, I think I will at least, if I ever really learn it.

I think I am realizing the incredible gift of friendships in which I can be completely honest. And not just honest in words, but honest in the way I respond to them, in my mannerisms, in my countenance. It is a lot harder, a lot more rare than I imagined. I am realizing that there is so much more to me than my word. I can talk all day about who I am and what I believe in and what I am passionate about, but really, it could be a whole lot of bunk.

I was told in seventh grade by my English teacher that I was demonstrative. I had to look it up. Basically, it means whatever I am feeling is written all over my face. Ok, to be completely honest, it's usually written all over my entire body. I think that, pretty much since that day, I have tried to lock up that part of my nature. I had always admired my dad for being quite the opposite. I had always imagined I was just like him. I thought that I, too, should be the casual, easy-going person that he is.

In middle school I babysat for one of my dad's coworkers, and she told me once that everyone at their office didn't get along with someone...except my dad. Everyone liked him. Who wouldn't want to be that person?! Well, turns out I am maybe a bit more like my mom. Who I have come to adore...but sometimes she can be a bit embarrassing. She definitely isn't afraid to say what she is thinking, or to show how she feels about something. She isn't even afraid to get up in front of a room full of well educated adults and lead them in a rousing game of What would you do with a drunken sailor, complete with singing and dancing.

I don't think I am quite to that point yet, in fact I might never be, but I am becoming more comfortable with the idea that I might not always be the easiest person to be around. Because, to be honest, sometimes I am pretty great to be around. (Still working on the humility, obviously). I am going to make it my endeavor to be honest, both in word and otherwise. I may need to employ a palinode a time or two, and I may even make more enemies than friends, but at least it'll be real.

"May the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." Psalm 19:14